


McMansion Nine Hells

by Tangerine_Catnip



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: Blupjeans Week 2018, Domestic Fluff, F/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-27
Updated: 2018-05-27
Packaged: 2019-05-14 05:41:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,605
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14763698
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tangerine_Catnip/pseuds/Tangerine_Catnip
Summary: Taako buys the biggest, ugliest house anyone has ever seen. (Blupjeans Week: Day 1 - Aftermath)





	McMansion Nine Hells

“Not yet, not yet, not yettttttttttttttttttttt. Okay, you can look now.”

Barry, Lup, and Kravitz dropped their hands and stared up at the monstrosity looming over them.

Taako was grinning from ear to ear, his back to the structure. He held his arms up and gestured meaningfully towards it like an assistant on a gameshow.

“Ta-da! Isn’t it just amazing!”

Ren, who was standing just behind Taako, her clipboard in hand, gave the assembled reapers a sympathetic look and mouthed the words “I’m so sorry.”

“Uhhhhhhhhhhhh…” Lup intoned. Her expression set into a blank, ‘still buffering’ stare.

“It’s so big…” Barry observed, seemingly unaware he was stating the blindingly obvious.

“Hell yeah, it is. 25 bedrooms, 30 bathrooms and 60,000 square feet. Perfectly fitting for the hottest celebrity in all planes of existence,”

“But… Why?” Kravitz asked.

“What can I say Bone Daddy? this is what’s expected of me. When people think “Taako’ they think big and they think bold, and this house is both.”

“Bold… is a word for it,” Barry agreed.

Lup fell to her knees and started screaming.

“Why are there so many columns, they aren’t even holding anything up?! None of the roof is on the same level!? Are those flying buttresses??!!”

She keeled over, collapsing into a sobbing pile.

Taako frowned and planted his hands on his hips. “Well, there’s no accounting for taste.”

“How much did this cost you?” Barry asked.

“Homie, I’m rich, like filthy and stinking, I don’t have to worry about what things cost.”

“850 Million gold,” Ren supplied, then quietly under her breath added, “More then it cost to build the school…”

Lup sat up, sucked in a deep breath, and pointed a trembling hand at the mansion. “850 million! For that! The fucking turrets look like Pringles cans with holes cut in them! Fuck!” with that, she collapsed once more, howling with laughter and rolling around on the grass.

Taako ignored her and flipped his blond braid over his shoulder.

“Like I said, I’m rich. I don’t even care.”

Taako felt a sharp tug on the leg of his pants and glanced down to see a panting Lup reaching up towards him.

“Brother, help me!”

Taako rolled his eyes and pushed her away with his foot.

“It’s better on the inside,” Taako insisted. “You’ll change your tune once you see your bedroom.”

Lup suddenly stopped laughing.

“Shit.”

Barry dutifully strode over and helped his partner back to her feet. Lup whined and pawed at the front of his black cloak, a look of slowly dawning horror crawling over her face,

“Barry, B-man, bluejay, babe, I just realised we’re gonna have to live in that.”

Barry nodded gravely. “You did say we would move in if he bought a house.”

“How was I supposed to know that it could go this badly!” Lup said gesturing to the house again as of it was possible to miss it. “None of the windows match!”

Nobly, Kravitz took the bullet for his fellow reapers and said, "It’s really… impressive, love. Why don’t we go ahead and have a look inside?”

* * *

  
Three days later Barry and Lup had finished moving the last of their stuff into the second of two massive bedrooms located on the topmost floor.

The room was very well lit, with skylights built into the roof above their bed and a sliding glass door leading onto a grounds-facing balcony.

The balcony towered three stories above the pool and was positioned in a way that one could conceivably jump from the railing and into the water. (Provided the jumper was able to cast feather fall on the way down, the water was still only about 6 feet deep.)

The bed was Emperor sized, (which Lup and Barry had just discovered was a size a bed could be) and had enough throw pillows to make two forts and battle to the death playing capture the flag.

For a couple that had once found a way to share a single bunk aboard a ship where every gram of weight had been a question of efficiency, the empty space was borderline frightening.

So far, they’d only dared to use about a quarter of it. This left one corner an utter mess, while all the rest retained its pristine showroom finish.

The rest of the room was large enough to fit two full sized desks side by side (to deal with paperwork they might bring home) and had a walk-in closet that was still only about half full, even including the things Lup had borrowed from Taako.

Said wizard’s room was on the same floor and was largely identical, except that Kravitz and Taako somehow managed to use all their bed.

Each bedroom had their own adjoining bathroom. The original intent was to have one per couple, but that had quickly fallen apart once Taako and Lup realised that meant splitting the haircare/skincare and makeup reserves.

So now the bathroom closest to Taako’s side was the twin’s domain, and the one on Lup’s side was the brothers in law’s. Which honestly worked out better in the end for everyone. Especially since Barry and Kravitz preferred different toothpaste brands.

In the centre of the hallway between the two rooms was a compact staircase that allowed access to all the floors without having to utilise the ornate grand staircase in the front hall (and made sure the two topmost bedrooms didn’t share any walls that might aid in the transmission of sound waves).

Two floors down were the kitchen and dining room, both had floor to ceiling windows looking out on the patio and pool. Then down a second smaller set of stairs was the stone-walled basement that would soon be repurposed as an arcane laboratory/ magical artefact storage.

Thanks to the back staircase all the above rooms were in rather close proximity, prompting Barry to comment, “If it wasn’t for the fact that the house keeps going, this might actually be a pretty great fit for us,” While he was unpacking the last few things from his secret underground hideaway (or as the twins liked to call it, his ‘Litch Lair’.)

Lup didn’t answer right away. She had both hands up, trying to judge if the portrait she was hanging over the fireplace was level. She tilted her head to one side then the other, then shrugged and looked over her shoulder at Barry.

“Dunno, I was really digging that theatre.”

“That’s only useful if we somehow convince people to come all the way out here to perform.”

“We’re legends, honey bear, I’m sure it won’t be all that hard.”

“Right, I keep forgetting…”

Lup came over and pulled Barry away from his trunk of clothing and out onto the balcony. The grounds that went along with the manor stretched as far as the eye could see and included part of a river cutting through the hills.

Barry rested his head on Lup’s shoulder, and she wrapped both arms around his waist.

“The uh… the music room was also kinda nice. We should go sometime. See if we still know how to play? I always wanted to do another duet with you, but we never really had time.”

Lup hummed her agreement and kissed him softly on the lips. They lingered for a while in the moment, the warm summer sun soaking through them. A moment to indulge in the very well-earned peace and quiet.

“Weird, talking about visiting part of the house like it’s a trip,” Barry murmured once they had separated.

“It’s in the east wing. So, that’s about a fifteen-minute walk.”

“I know this probably sounds strange coming from an ex-necromancer and a reaper, but I wonder if all this empty space will get spooky after a while.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t worry about that babe.”

Barry took a half step back so he could look at Lup. He knew that tone in her voice could only mean something was up, and that he was going to get to be involved.

Lup grinned at him and asked, “How much do you know about making teleportation circles?”

* * *

 

Barry hoisted the white baking pan full of scallop potatoes over his head, took a deep breath, and stepped out of the relative calm of the kitchen and into the chaos of the dining room.

The ridiculously long dining table was packed end to end. IPRE, bureau, family, and associates all gathered together from every corner of the globe. One of Magnus’ dogs was chasing Mookie around the table, forcing Barry to dodge out of the way and almost drop his precious cargo.

He eventually made it to the end of the table, breathless and panting, and placed the pan down on a bamboo trivet resting on the table.

The chair at the head of the table had a very high back and was conspicuously vacant. Waiting on the master of the household to return and preside over his multitude of guests. Barry had no idea who was staying the night and who was only visiting, but he felt confident that Ren at least had planned who was sleeping where

Barry turned to go back to the kitchen, but Lup reached over and pulled him down into his seat next to her.

“I think TK can handle things from here, babe.”

Barry nodded and leaned back in his chair. Worse case, Taako could just levitate the turkey over to the centre of the table.

Lup turned her body and rested both her legs over Barry’s lap.

“Hey, Lup.”

“Yes, pudding cup.”

“I think this house might actually be too small for this.”

 


End file.
